Afraid of the scan!

Recognizable to you? Always going down the same hallways for yet another stressful event. After all, you already have another appointment for a scan, an ultrasound, an MRI, a mammogram or a periodic check-up with blood tests. Because after all the treatments, you are still a hospital regular with the accompanying anxiety and uncertainty in your shopping cart. Even years later, you still don't get the chance to unwind. What if it's back, what if it goes wrong again? Especially for incurably ill people who have to live with an unreliable body and the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads, it is very difficult and requires a tremendous amount of resilience to live on without fear and worry. However, you are not alone in your struggles. Anxiety is very common, even in people with a good prognosis.

Only if you have (had) cancer do you know how it feels to sit in the waiting room with a small heart. The fact that those around you don't understand your anxiety and uncertainty makes it all that much lonelier. The wait between the examination and the date of the results is often murderous. Then when all is well, there is relief for a while, but then the next checkup comes around again and everything repeats itself.

I still remember the first time I was really terrified. I had just finished treatment, but because I was on the verge of stage four, the doctor recommended that I enter an experimental study with him. At the verdict of the mandatory PET scan, his words thundered through my head, "We have bad news, we saw shadows on your lungs." He had first offered me friendly condolences, as he had been briefed that just the night before I had learned of the death of a dear friend and fellow sufferer. So I was already feeling very vulnerable. Only three months later would I get another scan, because only then could they really see properly whether or not the cysts that were there had grown. I can attest that those three months were hell. The worst scenarios haunted my head. I didn't sleep, I barely ate, I was very sensitive and touchy. The side effects of the hormone therapy, which I had not been taking that long, were also hitting me hard. I was the emotional wreck of the Titanic. Fortunately, the scan was okay in the end; the carcinomas had shrunk and I could enter the experiment with peace of mind. However, I was again monitored very closely with very often exciting check-ups and each time the unpleasant confrontation with the struggles and sorrows of new peers at the oncology day clinic. After all, unintentionally you remain the patient with the poor prognosis clinging to every straw of hope.

It has now been almost six years since I was diagnosed. My body has fooled me many times during that time, resulting in dozens of additional scans, checkups and blood tests. I still get the jitters when I walk through the hospital corridors, but I don't panic as often anymore. I try to be more in perspective. Making my life and that of my beautiful, large family as pleasant as possible is what I prefer to occupy myself with. There is no point in worrying about the past and worrying now about what might go wrong. You can always worry when the time comes.

• What helps is knowing that your fears are changeable: they come, but they also go away. Anxiety usually lessens with age.
• Talk about your fears and confront them. Ask yourself what you are actually afraid of and look for solutions. What also helps is reading about it.
• The day before your checkup or your rash, do fun things. Get distracted, play sports or go for a walk.
• Say stop to your negative thoughts and give yourself positive pep talks. From the negative "I am sure the cancer will return" to the more positive "I have a good doctor and there is a good chance I will be cured." Or, "Even if the cancer returns, it doesn't have to be the end, after all, science doesn't stand still."
• Trust your doctors, they know what they are talking about and don't be afraid to ask for explanations. After all, it's your body and your life.

Take care of yourself, try to remain courageous and, if necessary, seek specialized help if things get too bad. Don't let your life be dominated by your fear; it's too beautiful.