Veerle's husband had breast cancer

More than eight years ago, Veerle (70) notices a rise, a bulge, under his nipple in her husband Joachim (72). He doesn't make much of it. "It felt like an ulcer, a little abscess, something like that," she says.

Veerle was not immediately worried, but the little ball was not going away. "From time to time I would point it out to him, because it was getting bigger and bigger." It took three years before one morning Joachim decided to go to the family doctor after all. The little ball under his nipple was now the size of a marble. It looked red, seemed inflamed and hurt a lot. "He couldn't even button his shirt," says Veerle. The family doctor immediately saw what Joachim hadn't wanted to see for years: this was possibly breast cancer. Further examinations revealed the same. The couple's world stood still for a moment.

Veerle is a lymphoma survivor herself and knows what it means. A daughter also had breast cancer. Both got through that just fine. "So we quickly flipped the switch from terror to fighting. Although I'm not going to argue that my first reaction wasn't pure panic. Of course I'm afraid to give him up."

"The doctors assumed I was the patient."

Joachim begins treatments. Initially, he receives short but intense chemotherapy. After a few months, surgery follows. Veerle does notice one thing. "I was the patient. The doctors invariably assumed I had breast cancer. That's a crazy feeling, even for him it was always very confronting. On the other hand, we were popular in the hospital: every doctor and assistant wanted to see the male patient with the breast cancer." The surgery, in which the pellet is removed, goes off without a hitch. Afterwards, Joachim receives radiation treatments. "There were already metastases, but they were pretty sure they would be able to deal with them. He was incredibly tired from it, though, and he wasn't used to that. He also sat at the kitchen table crying at times. He was scared, maybe also a little angry that he had waited so long."

Hormone treatment

After radiation treatments, Joachim, like many women, is given Nolvadex. It's an estrogen inhibitor that should prevent relapse. "It's a strange idea, because you would think there is a different procedure for men with breast cancer, but that's not true," says Veerle decidedly. "The consequences are also more or less the same, by the way. Joachim recently stopped the hormones and I am only now, months after that medication stop and years after the diagnosis, getting the feeling that my husband is also back a little bit."

"After fifty years, we are not going to break up over an acrimony. Still, there have been times in recent years when he could chase me up the walls. Joachim was always a man who had a compliment ready. Who noticed if I had a different dress on, or had tried my best to look good, all that fell away. Only a few weeks ago he told me again how much he liked a blouse. I've had it for three years."

She has another example for me. "I provided a present for his birthday, for the friends from the academy. When I brought them, plenty for the whole group to have a little choice too, he snapped at me in front of all those people. He would never have done that in the past. Nor was it true or necessary. One of his friends then went outside with me to comfort me a little. He was forgiven, but humiliating me like that, I'm not used to that. Since he got off the hormones, I haven't had that happen." Whether they've had many arguments about it? "Oh, no. You can argue every day. Although in the last few years I've thought I'd spank him or leave more often than in the years before." So it was that intense.

Less desire to have sex

The hormone therapy also took away the libido. "He did find that very difficult," agrees Veerle, "It was a bit of his masculinity lost anyway." Now that Joachim's hormone therapy has been completed, that piece is coming back. Veerle mostly has to laugh about it. "I didn't immediately know what to do with it, because physically it still doesn't work out." It's a slow process, though.

Joachim and Veerle are old enough, and together long enough, to put that kind of limitation into perspective. On the other hand, it's not as if your sexuality goes away once you reach retirement age, and younger men also face breast cancer.

We have become milder

Joachim's breast cancer has affected their relationship. "Even now that he is a bit himself again, I notice that my reactions have changed. He used to be able to take a serious stance on certain topics. If I disagreed, I countered. I don't do that anymore, he and I both don't have the energy to argue anymore. He can sometimes rather overwhelm me with arguments and now I think more often than not: oh, never mind. There's no point anyway." It's not like she's throwing in the towel with this, because Veerle is a strong woman. But it is a decision she has made, out of protection for herself, but also for Joachim. A certain leniency. "He also needs that to feel strong, but he's also had a lot of scares in recent years."

Hobby

For Veerle herself, a number of elements have been crucial, as evidenced by how much attention she pays to them. "It was good for Joachim, and therefore for me, that he always continued to pursue his hobby. That gave him a purpose and a group of people to talk to. I do some volunteer work and that's where I was able to get my fill. In addition, Joachim got involved with Breast Cancer Man. This is a non-profit organization that wants to bring breast cancer to the attention of men, so that men like Joachim don't have to wait three years to go to the doctor. It's also an association for fellow sufferers: still important for a disease that can be so taboo."

Oct. 7 is International Men's Breast Cancer Day.