Impact on relationships

"It's still searching for what feels pleasant and satisfying."

In the first months after the breast cancer diagnosis, in which one drastic treatment after another followed, Sofie and Bart felt strongly tested as a couple. "We were very upset and at the same time had to carry on with everyday life as best we could, especially for our 3 young children," says Sofie. "So we were often on our toes, which obviously didn't do our relationship any good."

Paralyzing

The psychologist-sexologist advised them to still take enough time for themselves as a couple. "But that simply didn't work," says Sofie. "And we didn't get around to making love at all. The fear that I would not survive the disease had a paralyzing effect on me. The fact that I felt less attractive after the breast surgery and chemo obviously didn't help either. And the severe fatigue also took its toll. Sex was the last thing on my mind. Bart showed great concern and understanding. But at the psychologist-sexologist's office he did say that he missed having sex very much and was afraid of falling in love more easily with someone else. That hit hard, but at the same time I appreciated that he allowed himself to look so deeply into his soul." Now their relationship is out of turbulent waters and even closer than ever. "We know better what we have in common, how much we like each other, and what really matters in life," Sofie clarifies. "But we do still struggle with the effects of the disease on our intimacy and sexuality."

Snuffed desire

"Because of the antihormone pill, which I still have to take every day for 7 years, I struggle with vaginal dryness," Sofie explains. "The internal humidifiers, lubricants and laser therapy I tried do not help enough for me. Making love with penetration remains painful. Of course, you can still satisfy each other in other ways. Only, the antihormone pill has also greatly reduced my desire for sex. I still feel very little stimulation and arousal, which I find annoying not only for myself but also for Bart. I find him as attractive as ever and don't want him to doubt that. So it is still searching for what feels pleasant and satisfying when we are together. In any case, avoiding intimacy and sexuality is not a solution. Physical affection is so important to really feel connected. You only fully realize that when touched by something as drastic as breast cancer."

Sofie and Bart are not the real names.

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