Testimony from the book Embraces: Lisa, Tina's wife, got breast cancer.

Lisa felt a lump, but she didn't tell me about it. She went to a radiology center for a mammogram on her own. Afterwards, she told me straight away, very directly. "I think I have breast cancer. I didn't dare tell you because I didn't want to worry you." A biopsy followed soon after. We received bad news: triple-negative breast cancer, meaning it was non-hormonal. While the chemo was regularly postponed because her blood values weren't okay and they were living from blood test to blood test, life had to go on. "Perhaps it was because she had kept it from me at first that I felt during that period that our communication was no longer on the same wavelength. Before that, it had always been excellent. We could say anything to each other and understood each other well without words. But now that wasn't possible," says Tina. Annoyances and misunderstandings arose. Readjusting those lines of communication while also having to deal with the reality of your partner's cancer diagnosis is not easy. "You try to carry on with your life. In a way, you even try to act normal," she says.

Tina also tried to take on the caring role, but Lisa found that a bit patronizing. They had to find a new balance. However, Lisa was really ill because of the treatment and Tina wanted to take care of her. "I could no longer count on her to set her boundaries. For example, if I suggested going for a walk, Lisa would say, 'That'll work.' But then I didn't know if that was true and if she was able to judge that. It took a while before we found that balance between acceptable care and not being patronizing again.' Tina is normally the calm one, while Lisa always bubbled from one activity to the next, non-stop. It took time to find a new balance. But we succeeded.

Lisa underwent a double mastectomy at her own request, even though the surgeon had suggested breast-conserving surgery. "For her, it was simple: the breasts had to go," says Tina. Afterwards, she didn't want radiation or reconstruction either. Because she was afraid it would come back in the other breast, she insisted on the double mastectomy.

The operation itself went well, but the recovery was difficult and painful, Tina recalls from that period. "Lisa was also extremely tired, which was psychologically difficult for someone with her disposition to accept. She only wanted to rest on the sofa; even walking to the park at the end of the street was too much for her. We thought that would be the end of the treatment."

Unfortunately, another round of chemotherapy was still to come, after which the treatment would be complete. "She was so tired of it all," says Tina. "I didn't think she had much choice. Without the chemo, the risk of a possible relapse is greater." Lisa ultimately opted for the chemo. After the treatment, both women tried to get their lives back on track. "Neither of us expected the fatigue to last so long," Tina muses. "We thought Lisa would quickly return to her normal physical level, but that wasn't the case at all." Lisa started a rehabilitation program and got a tattoo. Reconstruction is not for her.

Excerpt from the book Embraces, by Pink Ribbon

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